Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Thursday Thirteen #89

13 Creekistan Torture Techniques
Waterboarding is so old-school. We here in Creekistan have much more humane and simple methods of "getting information from people."

1. Fit them with work boots that, once they are on and all laced up, you don't want the hastle of taking them off. Make sure they have a small, annoying stone inside.

2. Fill their cells with the "no-see-ums"--the nearly invisible biting bugs that make you itch all over.

3. Also in the cell, light it with florescence lights that blink and hum.

4. Tie them down on a chair. Let the dog lick them.

5. Have their cells near the dirt road where the ATVs like to drive up and down at all hours of the night.

6. Fit them with contacts that have a small grain of sand embedded on them.

7. Make sure their bathing water has a strange odor.

8. Have a dog with big, sad eyes stare at them whenever they sit down to eat.

9. Attach a wasp nest to the outside wall of their cell so that they hear the annoying buzzing all the time.

10. Gladly provide them with the local newspaper--the only news is about NASCAR anyway.

11. Play, on a loop, the "witty banter" from the local morning radio show.

12. For Television, allow them to watch whatever they can pick up with an antennae--in other words, NOTHING. Or occasionally, PBS.

13. For a work detail, make them pick up trash and cans thrown out of cars. Don't allow them to sleep until the road is completely clean--they may not sleep for days, and locals may throw out new items even while they are trying to clean.


kay said...

You are right about #13. It would be torture to have someone throw out trash while you are picking it up, and I know that hapens. I pick up trash on the road when we visit our farm---amazing what people will do.

pussreboots said...

Being licked by a dog while tied up would be enough torture for me. Happy TT.

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

#14 Play "Panama" or "Hot For Teacher" by van Halen on a loop. It may drown out the sound of the ATVs but if you're like me, it'll drive you crazy faster.

Either that or pipe in recordings of conversations with my mother.

Denise Patrick said...

Hahahahahaha!!! The ATV's would be tops on my list. Let's not forget about all the dust they throw up, too. The television is another perfect torture - for people who like tv.

Happy TT!

Unknown said...

Do you relaize you have given away important parental trade secrets now???? LOL!!!!!!
Loved it.
Happy TT, hope you'll visit my 32nd TT...Housework, Quoth the Mama, Nevermore at The Cafe.

Janet said...

Brilliant!!! Non-violent torture, I love it!

Bethanie said...

Oh, #11 would make me tell you ANYTHING.

Neat list! Happy belated TT!

Anonymous said...

I have a feeling some of these hit home! They gave me a knowing smile. Love your sense of humor.

(M)ary said...

again. #11. i would fess up to anything to avoid morning show banter