13 Creekistan Torture Techniques
Waterboarding is so old-school. We here in Creekistan have much more humane and simple methods of "getting information from people."
1. Fit them with work boots that, once they are on and all laced up, you don't want the hastle of taking them off. Make sure they have a small, annoying stone inside.
2. Fill their cells with the "no-see-ums"--the nearly invisible biting bugs that make you itch all over.
3. Also in the cell, light it with florescence lights that blink and hum.
4. Tie them down on a chair. Let the dog lick them.
5. Have their cells near the dirt road where the ATVs like to drive up and down at all hours of the night.
6. Fit them with contacts that have a small grain of sand embedded on them.
7. Make sure their bathing water has a strange odor.
8. Have a dog with big, sad eyes stare at them whenever they sit down to eat.
9. Attach a wasp nest to the outside wall of their cell so that they hear the annoying buzzing all the time.
10. Gladly provide them with the local newspaper--the only news is about NASCAR anyway.
11. Play, on a loop, the "witty banter" from the local morning radio show.
12. For Television, allow them to watch whatever they can pick up with an antennae--in other words, NOTHING. Or occasionally, PBS.
13. For a work detail, make them pick up trash and cans thrown out of cars. Don't allow them to sleep until the road is completely clean--they may not sleep for days, and locals may throw out new items even while they are trying to clean.
