Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Thursday Thirteen #90
13 Things That My Coma Clinic Can Do For You! (results may vary)
1. Our Coma Clinic can help you become more fit--We'll hook your muscles up to our state-of-the-art stimulator system that simulate extra-hard workouts. You'll wake from your coma with that fit muscular body you've always dreamed about.
2. Lose weight--You'll be in a coma so you won't have to worry about your food intake. In fact, you'll get exactly the right amount of calories through your feeding tube. No more. No less.
3. Help you train to run a marathon--Just like our muscle-stimulator program, this program will specifically get your body ready for that marathon you've always dreamed about running. You might even wake up with runner's high but not the foot pain usually associated with running.
4. Get the sleep you so desperately want. In fact, you'll get to sleep for weeks, awaking refreshed and ready to rebuild your life.
5. Help that anxious father-to-be survive the last couple months of his wife's pregnancy, and perhaps the birth of a baby. Enter a coma when the stress gets to be too much and awake a new Father! Or try our special Father-In-Law To Be wedding package. Awake a new Father-In-Law, once the wedding bills are paid.
6. Quit smoking the Coma way! Have your last smoke just minutes before you go to sleep. Awake, take a deep breath, and don't worry about the withdrawal symptoms. *Can also be used for other addictive substances.
7. Can't stand waiting those long months between TV seasons? Watch your favorite program's season finale, go into a coma over the summer, and awake in time to see the next season's premier. It'll be like you were never gone!
8. Want to look great for the summer? Why not try our ComaTan! Our special rotisserie will give you a nice, even tan while you sleep.
9. Need to learn a foreign language? We can subliminally teach you a language with our immersive language tapes and programs. (Warning: can't guarantee that you'll be able to speak or read the language, but you should be able to understand it when spoken to you.)
10. Need cosmetic surgery but don't like the pain and discomfort? Let us take care of everything while you're in a coma. Awake to a new you!
11. Hate winter and the snow and can't afford to travel a long distance just to get away from it all? Try a coma for the winter. You'll "thaw out" at the same time as much of the ice and snow.
12. Can't stand all those political ads? Go into a coma! Skip all those long months with boring debates and mudslinging commercials. Wake up just days before election, ready to vote.
13. Better yet, send in your absentee ballot early, go into a coma, and avoid the whole up-all-night-watching-the-news-as-more-results-come-in game. Awake two days after election day, when results are final, or by January 15th, whatever comes first.